What to do when a coworker undermines or harasses you

Some people will test you. They'll ignore your calls, go around you to your boss, or question every decision in front of the team. Some will go further and cross into harassment.

Your first instinct may be to fight back or to fix it by changing yourself. Neither works well. What works is staying calm, keeping a record and using the systems that exist to hold people accountable.

I learned this the hard way. You can read that story here: He offered me $300 for ten minutes.

First, name what's happening

Undermining is behavior that makes it harder for you to do your job:

• Ignoring your calls, emails or instructions
• Withholding information you need
• Going around you to your manager
• Questioning or contradicting you in front of others

Harassment is unwelcome conduct based on sex, race or another protected trait. It includes sexual comments, propositions, spreading sexual rumors, and offering money or favors for sex. Harassment isn't a personality conflict. Most companies are required to have a policy against it, and it should be reported.

In the moment: say it plainly

Don't laugh it off, and don't escalate. Keep your voice level and your words short.

For undermining:

"I need site issues coming to me first. Going forward, please copy me on anything that affects the schedule."

For harassment:

"That's inappropriate. Don't say that to me again."

That's it. You don't need to explain, argue or win. Saying it out loud puts it on record that the behavior was unwelcome.

Write everything down

Start a private log the first time something happens. Keep it somewhere you control, like a personal notes app or email, not only on a work device.

Date and time:
Where:
What was said or done (exact words if you can):
Who saw or heard it:
What I said or did in response:

Write each entry the same day, while the details are fresh. Facts only. A log that reads calm and specific is much stronger than one written in anger.

Move communication to email

If someone ignores your calls or gives instructions verbally and denies them later, put everything in writing:

"Following up on this morning: I need the updated pour schedule by 3 PM today. Please confirm."

Their silence now has a timestamp. If something goes wrong, the record shows who knew what and when.

Report it in writing

Many women don't report because they don't want to look like they can't handle their job. Reporting is part of handling your job. It gives the company a chance to fix the problem and protects you if it continues.

Send a short, factual email to your manager, HR or both:

"I'm reporting conduct by [name/role] that I believe violates our harassment policy. On [date], at [location], he [what happened]. This was witnessed by [names, if any]. I've attached my notes on other incidents. Please let me know the next steps."

Keep a copy for yourself.

After you report

• Keep documenting. Add anything new to your log, including how the report was handled.
• Watch for retaliation. It's illegal for an employer to punish you for reporting harassment, under federal law and New York law. That includes demotions, pay cuts, bad schedules or sudden poor reviews.
• Know your outside options. If the company doesn't act, you can file a complaint with the EEOC, the New York State Division of Human Rights or the NYC Commission on Human Rights. Filing deadlines apply, so don't wait too long. An employment lawyer can tell you which option fits your situation.

Stay level

The Stoics divided the world into what's in your control and what isn't. You can't control another person's respect, ego or behavior. You can control your response, your record and your next step.

Staying calm doesn't mean accepting the behavior. It means refusing to give anyone a reason to make the story about your attitude instead of their conduct. People notice who stays steady.

This article is general information, not legal advice. If you're dealing with harassment, consider speaking with an employment lawyer or one of the agencies above.