He offered me $300 for ten minutes

The Scene

JOBSITE. MORNING.

I was 27 and newly hired as a Project Manager at a GC firm. I knew my schedule, I knew my scope, and I deserved to be there.

Then they introduced me to the superintendent. Seasoned. Decades in the field. The kind of man a crew listens to without being asked twice.

When they told him that technically I was his boss, I watched his face change. From that day, he decided he was going to make my life hell.

He wouldn't take my calls. He ignored my emails. If there was a problem on site, I was the last to hear about it. I was responsible for a project I couldn't get information about.

At one point, he offered me $300 for ten minutes. I honestly thought it was a joke, the kind of thing you hear on a jobsite to see how you'll react. So I laughed it off.

That's when he really made my life a living hell.

In the end, I outlasted him. He quit.

Take One: how I took it

I was angry. At first, my anger was passive. I didn't say what was wrong. I just let everyone feel it.

When that didn't work, I tried to be assertive. Under that kind of pressure, my assertiveness turned into aggression.

What I never did was go to my boss. I didn't want to be the new PM who complained. I told myself I could handle it if I just adjusted my attitude. So I kept adjusting mine. He never adjusted his.

The Replay: what I'd change

Looking back, I put the whole problem on myself. I treated his behavior like a reaction to something I was doing wrong, and I kept trying to fix me so I could fix him.

It wasn't a me thing. No adjustment to my attitude was going to change his, because I wasn't what was broken.

I also never reported it. I thought reporting would mean I couldn't handle my own job. What it would have meant is that the company had a record, and he would have had to answer for what he did.

And I laughed at the $300. I understand why. In the moment, laughing felt like the safest way out of an ugly situation. But it let him believe that he did not do anything wrong.

Take Two: how I'd handle it today

Epictetus taught that some things are within our power and some are not. That superintendent's respect was never within my power. My response always was.

If it happened today, I wouldn't spend my energy being angry at him. Anger was the reaction he wanted, and every time I gave it to him, he got to make it about my attitude instead of his behavior.

Here's what I'd do instead:

• Correct it immediately. The day he offered me $300, I wouldn't laugh. I'd look at him and say, calmly: "That's inappropriate, and I'm reporting it."
• Write down every incident with the date, the time and who was there.
• Put all communication in email, so his silence would be on the record too.
• Report it to my boss and to HR, in writing, the same day.
• Stay calm in front of the crew, so nobody could make it about my attitude.

Not because he deserved my composure. Because the crew was watching both of us, and I'd want them to see the difference.

Marcus Aurelius wrote that the best way to get back at someone is not to become like them. On that project, I became a little more like him every week. Today, I'd let the paperwork do the fighting.

What It Built

I outlasted him. But outlasting him wasn't the lesson.

The lesson was that his attitude toward me wasn't a me thing. I spent months carrying a problem that was never mine to fix. Recognizing that, and recognizing it again in other rooms with other people, became one of the most important skills of my career. When someone tests me now, the first question I ask is: is this actually about me?

I still had a lot to learn after that project. But it taught me where to put my energy.

Their behavior is their responsibility. Your response is yours.

For the step-by-step version, read the Playbook: What to do when a coworker undermines or harasses you.